The fog is slowly lifting – long

Its strange when you feel disconnected from the rest of the world – sort of there but not – sort of on the outside looking in but at the same time on the inside looking out.  I think I now know the reason for this feeling that’s persisting at the moment – I don’t want to grow old – I’m afraid of growing old!

Last year with the death of my aunt I became the oldest person in ‘my’ biological family.  Aunty Pam was the last link to the generations before me.  My mother and father have passed on, all my aunts and uncles as well as their husbands/wives have passed on, as have all my grandparents  – my sisters and brother are all younger than me – I was the oldest child and grandchild and as I mentioned above I am now the oldest person alive in my family tree and that makes me sad.

Next week my oldest son will be 50 – how did that happen! 
It wasn’t that long ago I was a new mum and he was just a little bub
March 1962 
 In fact, come to think of it, it  wasn’t that long ago I was the one celebrating my 50th birthday lol. 
Big Birthday Trip October 1992
Mataranka Nr Katherine Northern Territory  
There is just one thing I’m going to have to watch out for and make sure it doesn’t overshadow his special day and that is the worrying realisation (for me) that later this year I will be celebrating my 70th birthday!
With his sisters Christmas Eve 2011
Me with my ‘girls’ Christmas Eve 2011 

I think part of my problem lies with the fact that for many years I have had a ‘bad back’ – put simply I have a condition called facet joint degeneration or even more simply I have osteoarthritis of the spine.  Its not something I talk about, its just something I accept.    I can go merrily along my way for years (being a bit stiff now and again) and then something will cause a flare up and all hell is let loose as I suffer the sciatica pain that occurs.

I know when I keep my weight down and exercise regularly all is well but some times things get out of hand – like last year when the weather turned cold and wet and I couldn’t be bothered to go to the gym, so ate more comfort food that usual which led to me weighing more than usual.    I was so disheartened by the whole thing that when the weather turned for the better I tried to get over it by doing too much, like putting in the veggie garden, which then led to weeks of horrible pain and discomfort. 

The episode I wrote about last year was the worst I had experienced – hopefully I don’t experience anything like it again but you never can tell.   It was after visits to the chiropractor, taking ‘PanadolOsteo’ and trying some very basic stretching exercises at home (which did help) that I finally found my lifesaver.
I discovered a Dru yoga studio in a suburb close by and joined a class.   As soon as I saw their web site I knew they were the ones for me because there on the home page for all the world to see was my philosophy – Live Love and Laugh – see my profile above.
This yoga is slightly different to the Hatha form I did during the 70s and 80s as there is music and movement involved to achieve the postures but all I can say is it has definitely helped.
Anyway back to my ‘problem’ 
(the one with my emotions lol)
Lots of deep thinking has made me determined to move on.  
I don’t want to grow old with the negative connotations that word can have these days – maybe becoming dependant on others- having to watch what I do all the time – telling people my age and seeing their reaction (oh I didn’t know you were ‘that’ old).
I want to live life the way it is now – not worry about the ‘what ifs’
To travel and be independent
To enjoy this stage of my life 
I will take onboard a fun quote that’s doing the rounds
We do not stop playing because we are old;
we grow old because we stop playing!

And to He** with growing old!!

6 thoughts on “The fog is slowly lifting – long

  1. You have expressed what all of us who are now the wrong side of 65 are feeling! But you have also worked out the perfect attitude towards life and I'm going to try to adopt your positive attitude. Thanks for being so open – it is very comforting to know these fears and feelings are shared.Happy family celebrations!Maureen


  2. Hello Cathy, I hope your pain levels drop soon. We don't have to grow old but we do have to realise that se are not teenagers anymore, but then again do we want to be. I enjoy doing what I can and I try not to over do. Besides I also enjoy the slowing down and smelling the roses bit too. Take care.


  3. You have said what I did not want to say or admit. I do not fear death but I greatly fear aging. If only there were guarantees that I could be like Betty White now 90 years young and going strong. But heart health and my lack of physical fitness predict I will possibly be a future client for a nursing home. It is not a pleasant thought to be trapped on the inside looking out at the future generations, unable to interact with them. Yikes, don't let me go further on this path of miserable thought!


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