Its strange when you feel disconnected from the rest of the world – sort of there but not – sort of on the outside looking in but at the same time on the inside looking out. I think I now know the reason for this feeling that’s persisting at the moment – I don’t want to grow old – I’m afraid of growing old!
Last year with the death of my aunt I became the oldest person in ‘my’ biological family. Aunty Pam was the last link to the generations before me. My mother and father have passed on, all my aunts and uncles as well as their husbands/wives have passed on, as have all my grandparents – my sisters and brother are all younger than me – I was the oldest child and grandchild and as I mentioned above I am now the oldest person alive in my family tree and that makes me sad.
Big Birthday Trip October 1992
Mataranka Nr Katherine Northern Territory
I think part of my problem lies with the fact that for many years I have had a ‘bad back’ – put simply I have a condition called facet joint degeneration or even more simply I have osteoarthritis of the spine. Its not something I talk about, its just something I accept. I can go merrily along my way for years (being a bit stiff now and again) and then something will cause a flare up and all hell is let loose as I suffer the sciatica pain that occurs.
I know when I keep my weight down and exercise regularly all is well but some times things get out of hand – like last year when the weather turned cold and wet and I couldn’t be bothered to go to the gym, so ate more comfort food that usual which led to me weighing more than usual. I was so disheartened by the whole thing that when the weather turned for the better I tried to get over it by doing too much, like putting in the veggie garden, which then led to weeks of horrible pain and discomfort.
And to He** with growing old!!